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It's ANOTHER weird universe!!!!
 

A christmas eve debate over which way to go

Gosh! Sometimes, I get so mad with myself!!! I really wish I'll shut my freaking mouth sometimes and just keep everything inside... Christmas has come, and sigh... the topic of religion crept up on a very unsuspecting conversation with my friends. i am quite convinced that I can never talk well about this topic, not intending to offend, I somehow, quite miraculously often pull it off. It is only a very supremely exremely select few, I can really talk about religion without the other party getting pissed off, and yet understanding prefectly what I mean.

I'm not attempting to justify myself, that is unnecessary. But I am disturbed that I am perfectly misunderstood on almost every occasion. I once read that when two persons of differing viewpoints engage in a discussion about religion, it will almost always end in disagreement.because neither will accomodate the other, nor take a step back. That is prehaps a tad too mild. It will end in aggressive-defensive, self justifying and quoting session. Why. Why is it so hard to have a genuinely heart to heart discussion without the judgments, the atonished looks of 'how can you think that?' and "No! that's not what I mean." I feel disapointed, angered that it just spirals down to become a "Ok..(awkward silence) so what do you understanding by god?' or etc.. Nothing is explicitly said to make me uncomfortable, but implicit in gaps, pauses. And it is condescending when it becomes a quiz.

Sometimes, it is so hard to discuss all my doubts and questions. And I feel that I really need to address them, not on my own. Perhaps, others might think that I am suffering from intellectual pride, when all it comes down to is faith. It is not that! I nver think that I am too bloody intelligent to believe in the Christian idea of god. Even I am not so foolish to think that. But why is that the defensive-aggressive response to my questions, which I think are human enough. I am not trying to build a wall to keep out faith and believe.(this is I guess how most people react instinctively to my rather fundamental doubts).. And I think it is never a choice, I am not out shopping for a spiritual foundation for my life. I'm on a journey searching for my personal truth. And I know there might be detours, cul de sac, wrong ways, and it might be a lonely path. But sometimes, I just wish to have a truthful and fulfilling conversation with my fellow travellers without either of us trying to force the other to walk the same way that we may embark on our own personal spiritual journeys towards our destinations. That we can smile and trust in both god and our friends that we will see them there at the end of the journey.

There

  1. Blogger chunhui.sim | 12:45 PM |  

    Nippy you can talk with me anytime! I think i understand what you mean about wanting to go down our own paths in the search for a personal spiritual truth, but how others are always wanting drag you into their way.

    Seriously i don't doubt that they have good intentions, that their way worked for them and they want others to try that tested-and-true way.

    But sometimes people can get over-zealous and tai guo fen. I always feel traumatised when I remember how the people around me kept pushing the back of my head so I would bow down in the face of the Lord at a church sermon once, when the pastor called all the new converts and backsliders to the stage front. In the first place i was forced by my friend's cell group to make that (longest journey of my life) trip to answer the pastor's call.

    I still remember how scared i felt and how i kept telling God in my heart that i was sorry and i just wasn't ready. Why can't people understand that?

    But getting over the traumatising experience, i still believe there's a God in this world, and he's gradually laying out the stepping stones and mountains in my path so i may eventually grow spiritually and reach His side. He's the big brother who looks out for me and quells my fears whenever i call out to him.