It's like when children fall for one another. on the spot, without introduction. Grown-ups don't pay it much attention because they can't imagine anything more majestic to a child than their own selves, and so confuses dependence with reverence. Parents can be lax or strict, timid of confident, ....whatever kind they are, their place is secondary to a child's first love. If such children find each other before they know their own sex, or which one of them is starving, which well fed; before they know colour from no color, kin from stranger, they have found a mix of surrender and mutiny they can never live without.
-Toni Morrison, Love
Some days, I feel old. Ok not old, just older. When I see sec school kids, or Jc students. I feel old(er). It's not that I am 21, that I can officially watch R(a) movies. It's not even the supposed magic of being 21 yrs old. It is knowing that I am different from those teenagers.
It is that awkwardness of being a teen. Feeling like you don't fit in your own skin. No longer a kid, not yet an adult. Wanting to have some power but hating control, rules. I'm not awkward anymore. I don't feel like I don't fit into the spaces around me. I don't feel that I am always conscious of others' stares. I don't need to rebel just to prove that I have my own mind.
How they want to make a statement. How they live only in the present. How they disregard others but yet desire their consent.
It is why I feel older. I look back to the past and need to plan ahead. I've figured that I don't need to make a statement, I am the statement. I don't need to shout to be heard.
It is also learning that confidence doesn't need to be loud, it can be quiet. It is understanding that ideal is important but so are other considerations. It is forgiving my parents for their imperfections. When both sides stop expecting unattainable expectations from each other.
Yar, today I feel older, (and hopefully) wiser.
There
hey ya...
Being older somehow.. like mucc of the analagy in Little prince, we calculate, we foresee, plan and sometimes even worry too much... that we miss the whole point of living it- life to the fullest, beyond our imagination...
It is a balance I guessed.. older, we are more confident, stop running hither and thither, attraction nothing but air, but yet we lost the child like ness, the freedom to enjoy the simple...
Like in Ahs, we play police and thief, act as unicorns, push and hit each other like no one's business... would you still behave like that now? somehow.. there's this chasm.. personally, I realise in my nature, I am no longer that loud, that expressives and hag care of the world.... yes, more civilised and lady like but gone are my child like days... and that;s when I laugh with all my might and dont care about how much saliva I have drooped on, how unsightly I look, how unattractive I am..
Not that I care all these now, but.. some how.. some how.. I am not that care free...
....because as adults, we are more aware.
Hey LI, if I sAY that I don't miss the sec sch days , the sec sch me, I'm lying loh. HAha But I still love growing up. Still enjoy learning more even though it means less freedom at times. more burden at others. Sometimes, even more worries, sadness. But I like every moment of it, even the sad times, I'm just always glad that i have those wonderful days to look back to.... Hey Weiling is back! We shuld meet up!