bubble wrap

OK break the silence on this blog. Ha ha OK Moodswing blogger. realize all my close friends are a bit like that. Maybe it's a girl thing. Maybe it's a being-under-pressure thing. Maybe it's a un-natural condition called work kind of thing. I still think human beings were not made to be stuck in an office facing a luminous screen all day. And being such a bum(at heart)though not in reality (sadly)--fantasizing sitting under a coconut tree strumming a guitar sipping coconut watching the waves [but wait that's too cliche] I would prefer to fly around the world without ever having to work [er..sounds like a potentially boring fantasy] Maybe I need some near-death-life experience like bungy jumping [but then I'm such a coward](I will definitely backout last minute. standing on the edge of some great height looking down, weak kneed, cold sweat, numbness, I might need a lot of clumsiness, stupidity and a damn huge ego to jump or risk humiliation.)God, the things people do to escape looking stupid. (ha ha in this case, maybe it's a lose lose situation) Aiya.. I ramble.

Out out out, cut loose from the school system. The easy existence where we don't really need to define ourselves so much. To keep search for some kind of meaning. It has been arranged, meaning came in our grades. our lives are organized around trying to learn, perform, excel in that system. Our identity in ready made uniforms, expected behaviours and attempts to break those expectations and gain some stature in eyes of our peers. It is so easy being a student. I have never needed to think so hard about myself as now. The illusion of youth, the lack of responsibility and the distance of a 'real' world so far away. Take that away and I get confused mostly. Graduates--we think we can reach the sky, or beyond. We may have been the top 10 15 whatever % of our academic cohort. You can be a dean's lister. but out here, everyone can be so ordinary it is scary. No, we will not lose ourselves in this working world, all our ideals and dreams will stay intact. Until we realize our parents are not going to pay for us forever. Time is not as flexible, people will be people. Struggles are real and painful.

I lose my balance. I feel thrown back in time again. Learning to walk all over again. Now, I truly under why Freedom is a pain. Yes yes yes, being at sea, the freedom is a burden. Being chained to a system that maintains us, tells us what we are is a form of foster freedom. We are free in a bubble wrap. Remove the bubble wrap, then we realize that other freedom is painful, I yearn for my comfort zone again. That freedom is a heavy responsbility. Maybe that is the way things have always been, but years of being in a pot, makes being transplanted to a field so scary.From the top of the pecking chain to the bottom of a different food chain. Repositioning yourself, your mind set. A challenge, but I will not run away. I guess it's truer to say I cannot. It is not a issue of growing up. Things only truly change when we grow out. Bye bye bubble wrap--I do miss you though.