What is this feeling?

So, books have been written about it, scientists have tried to quantify it, and poets have tried to romanticize it, philosophers have thesis and theories about it. But still, love--this feeling is a bloody mystery. I don't think it can ever be explained ratinoally, nor can it be totally flung to the irrational and be claimed something unconcious or even animal. Becuase yes, there is that animal part of it all but then there is the nobler, spiritual part of it which we perhaps have tended to over-romanticize at times.

I remember detesting JOhn Donne--he and his love poetries, which fails to be romantic but which if you have ever been in or out of love will find covers a pretty wide range of emotions you go through when in that bad state of (life)--of being in or out of love. I mean bad, not in bad bad, but just that feeling that you are not quite yourself, (and hearing a non-stop cycle of love songs at yoru work place every single day doesn't help very much.) I try to be my normal self and to continue functioning ever so normally but hell--Frank Sinatra comes on and proclaims very blatantly that someone is "under my skin", that "the world will always welcome lovers." MY thoughts drift and I can't quite seem to control my mind lately. My mind-which I always view as my one holy water against foolish and nonsensical dreamy soap-opera romantic-thoughts--doesn't quite work.

I think flowers and chocolates are foolish. (and still do) Suddenly I don't know what to do with myself.
I am acting totally strange, and silly of course. Being overly-emotional at times and feeling foolish very suddenly. Everything seems to be a reminder of the "supposed beloved"--of course the sharp reminder here is you may have a beloved, but you may not necessarily BE the beloved. BUt that's the world for you. Still the feeling keeps going, very honestly. I wish I could say, "hell. I'm one of those girl, who can just throw everything to the wind, and walk away and never even shed a tear". But then if anyone ever tells you that she /he is lying, because this feeling will never let you go. No matter how much you rationalize against it, and how much you know you need to stop obsessing, it haunts you. UNtil the time is ripe, the feeling will shed from you like dead leaves and you can smile again. (back to your normal self)

And it is very very sexual--attraction, I mean. Or would you rather call love. People who tell you that love should be pure only has half the story right or are probably too damn blind to see that we are driven by very primitive needs and instincts even science and the oldest text have no ancient script for. It is like African drum beats and heat. It is so unfair that men should be allowed to speak so freely of this while women are suppse to not just not speak of it but not really care about this aspect of attraction and love. OF course, if sexual interest is all there is--that is called lust and that is quite different.

BUt everytime I see him, I just think "how incredibly sexy he is. And how much I want to..oh well that's my secret.

But scientists, poets and philosophers will all fail, because at the end of the day it is really a lot of confusion, feeling lost and stupid, running around after geese and sheeps while the big band plays the Titanic theme and the milky way winks. And God is probably enjoying the soap opera with a smile and a lemonade.