Ever since I moved here, there have always been this feeling of confinement. I often feel trapped, there are all these invisible pressures. Mostly, it is familial obligations, things about etiquette and manners and even tradition. It is about doing the expected, I found out that sometimes it is not easy to rebel. It is the hardest when you know that rebelling does not necessarily bring change or understanding, Especially when you know that rebelling makes things ugly for your family. Family. It is hard to explain my mixed feelings about family. It is a support network, it is something important in my life, but often I can't help but feel that it is the very thing holding me back from doing more, finding our more and exploring fearlessly. I don't define myself merely as an individual, I define myself by my place in society, my family, the people in my life, the roles they play in my life and the roles I play in theirs, Sometimes it gets tiring though. Their concerns and expectations heal as well as suffocate.

I have also learnt that my growth internally is as much tied to the external circumstances and space as my thoughts are linked to the external physical stimuli. Other than the fact that the house is too crowded and cramped there is no space for mental growth and freedom to imagine. Because, imagination is tied to the stimulus of the external world. It is often the strange and the curious which triggers our imagination and our desire to create. that is perhaps why travelling can be such a big cause for personal growth on several levels. For me it is also spiritual. I feel that over the past year, I have lost a lot of my spirituality. I say spirituality not as something religious, but as a very personal sense of amazement and wonder for the world which, for me, is almost sacred. I do not ever want to lose this sense of curiosity and wonder for the world. I do not ever want to find the world no longer a wellspring of surprise and discovery, but a dry log of the expected grating on the daily necessities. It is a little hard to explain this new understanding, but the physical world you live in opens up the door to a rich inner world. That is why I think being imprisoned is such a torture. The bars are not just physical confinement, but they are mental, emotional and spiritual cages. I have said I want to live freely. It is my deepest wish that I may be so blessed as to have this kind of freedom I am talking about. The freedom to explore, taste and live the world and absorb it as my own. As my life. And the imagination to partake of all these gifts and use to envision even more than the world may offer. Because I have learnt to cherish this freedom deeply. This freedom is space. It is the blank page of a story, a blank canvas of a painting, it is the space to wander and wonder. And I say thank you to people before me who have cleared more space so that I may have them. And may we all be carving more spaces wherever we are,so that new dreams and visions can be given air to live.

I can't help but feel that there is something special out in the world waiting for me. Waiting for me to stumble upon some neglected, ignored treasure. Like a fallen leaf which because of the angle of sunlight makes it unique and special.