Dearest Li,

As always, it is this wonderful gift in our friendship that we can share honestly and bravely about all things with enough trust even if we disagree fiercely about the most important things in life. That too, takes courage to speak out about things which hurt, which uplift, which enlighten and haunts us in the dark hours. This is to our friendship too. Here goes.

Dear girl, Sometimes I get angry. I am so glad you talked about the issue of sex and love. I feel that sex being such an important part of life and love often get swept under the carpet. You know, that extract was enlightening, and people need to address sex and its place in our lives whether privately or publicly or among friends or with lovers. It should not be the kind of hushed up secret it is in the place of society--in its secrecy it is made into fantasies, in its secrecy, it becomes illusion. In its secrecy it becomes a perversion.

Sex is a part of life. And can be a healthy part of life, for an emotionally healthy person, for a strong relationship. Of course, sex is also a very human desire. And your extract has it right, people cannot always control their desires for good or for bad. Sex is sometimes about power, sometimes about powerlessness. The thing to always remember is that sex on its own is really a neutral natural act. It is the value we attach to it and our attitudes towards it that counts. I feel that sex lies at the heart of our human condition, whether we like it or not, it is going to be something which will occupy our mind and our time and a large part of life. And to not understand this fundamental place of sex in life and in relationship is delusional and sometimes can be dangerous. Understanding it, I feel, actually puts a person in a better stead than one who doesn't. That is why I get so angry that people choose not to address this important issue for fear of shame, of pain, or otherwise. Because it is the one thing which needs so much honesty. (with all the risk involve of STD, emotional wreckage as mentioned in the extract on your blog).

Side tracking a little, I recently saw a documentary about the people's temple tragedy in the 1970s. A community of the "People's temple" committed mass suicide, 900 over people died, including children and babies. The incident is one of pain for many of the relatives, and survivors, yet watching the documentary, I could not but be moved by what some relatives and survivors had done when they choose to go back to that pain and talk about it, so that we may learn. The most moving for me, was what the son of the Rev. Jones-the leader of the community-- said at the end. He has been part of that community, he speaks for those who chose to do it. Looking into the camera, he also says, for us then not to judge those people, but to put ourselves in their shoes if we can, and learn from the tragedy if we can , so that those 900 people did not die in vain. I thought it was incredibly moving how he spoke for the dead. For the dead, we think we can never ever understand, and whom without his intervention we would blame or see as incredibly stupid or brainwashed.

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that pain no matter on what kind of scale can be shared, and the burden lessened, only if we choose to share it. That is the same with the discussion on sex. SImilarly, sex is also about joy, and that too should be shared--although so few people really do. There is a knee-jerk reaction in the society to react negatively against the discussion of sex. It is labeled dirty, or considered something so intimate, it should never be talked about. Of course, it is an intimate act, and to ask for all its private details is an intrusion. But, that line can be drawn, and healthy discussions can co-exist with privacy.

I do not think that the documentary in trying to shed light on the people's temple tragedy was an intrusion of privacy. It is an act of courage on the part of the interviewees and the creators of the documentary. And the discussion is important today as it was almost 30 years ago. What more of sex--this constant part of being human throughout all of history.

But to get to my point, in relation to your extract. I feel that people still fail to see that the problem described in that extract is a problem with one's self-esteem, not sex. What she say about having sex too soon is true, but it is also because, the people described have not found a firm foundation for their selves, using sex as a tool for self-esteem, of course will lead to a bad end. Just the same if they had used drugs, alcohol, or anything else. SO often, sex is used as a scapegoat for much deeper personal problems and not being able to separate that, leads to much more problems.

Alright, sex aside. Love comes next. Dear girl, I am happy you know what you want from a relationship, and what you've said is indeed a hallmark of a strong relationship, one with depth, growth and strength. You are not naive, and do not listen to anyone who tells you that. I hate that word. "Naive" is so often used as a cover for cynicism, a discouragement to someone who has a dream. People who use it are cynics who do not believe in other's or their own power to dream and to attain that dream.

But girl, do not see a chance encounter with a person who does not fit your ideal as a jeep you do not want to jump on. That is being unkind to yourself and to that person. Because what I've come to realize is that learning to love someone who does not fit the ideal, is as beautiful as finding someone who does. Of course, I hope you are lucky enough to find the one you love as you always hoped for, but remember it is not always about finding the person , sometimes it is about finding love out of an unlikely person. Sometimes love is not a feeling, it is a decision to keep your faith, a decision to stay together, there is no perfection in love. I think , God in his wisdom made love that way.

Alright, girl, I think it's time to stop, when i get teary myself.

But here's also a consolation to those lonely nights. Love comes in many forms. It doesn't always come in a person, sometimes it is a mission, sometimes it comes as a passion, sometimes it is work, sometimes a calling. I think we sometimes forget to look inside ourselves for that love. That's why I'm so certain you'll find it. Because you are one of those who never forgot.

Love,
Nip