As I get older, words come difficult. Blogging becomes more challenging. I don't know where the spontaneity of rambling has gone, but words becomes this scarce thing that gets more and more measured. Like all other things, it becomes more tightly controlled. I miss those days when saying anything was a spur of the moment. So much less of the thinking and rethinking. But honestly, where is that desire to just spurt, any random feeling, any random word and to freely throw language out? It's gone into hiding, like my desire to get a good bowl of Ban Mian, like wanting to run down some street screaming with laughter over something irrelevant and small. It's not that I feel older (although that always seem to be the issue), it's that I feel more controlled. When things move too fast, I get scared. I still like taking risks and trying new things, but that nagging voice asking me "if I am sure" always sneaks up and gets louder each time. IS this the wisdom they call age? It is this measuredness in living, to take each step and to count it, keeping track of the places we've been and the place we're heading? IF it is, perhaps I am getting wiser, but then why do I miss being the fool I was ten years ago?