Today, tomorrow

My Japanese friend told me something funny today. She said, as we sat out back in the garden section of a cafe, "Usually, the third boyfriend is the best one to marry." I laughed. It was funny, but there was something tragic about my response. I didn't know if I laughed because I believed her, or if I laughed because i found what she said ridiculous. The first thing I thought of was my parents.

My sister and I asked them so many times how they met, and they always had a different version of the story. But the definitive version was that of them meeting at a train station. Stranded waiting for a friend and a brother, my father and mother struck up a conversation with just enough information so that my mother thought it strange that her name and my father's name has opposite meanings, and so that my father found out that my mother worked at a bank close to his place. And the rest is history. Neither of them had ex boy/girl friends.

Sometimes, I think that I don't know the difference between holding on and giving up. I do that so much every single day that I don't know what the difference is, and if that difference even is significant. I always feel that giving up on a relationship is abandonment. Am I an optimist who believes that everything can be worked out, so I should hang on , or am I a pessimist who is afraid that I won't find someone else who would understand and tolerate me? I don't know the answer.

You're never afraid of being alone until you are with someone. It seems paradoxical but it really is simple. I just get used to having someone around, and things feel funny when they are gone. Just like my sister would be leaving, just like how things always have to change.

I don't know. I am just someone who hates changes perhaps. I guess, the problem is that I never know if the change would be for the better or for the worse. I need security and the full guaruntee, but I will never get that. It's always a gamble, and i have never been much of a gambler ever.