The one thing I miss

I will always remember the conversation I had with Sim once. I asked her how is life in a relationship different from life as a single, and she said, " Being in a relationship has its ups and down. You'll feel happier, but you'll also feel sadder." And three years into the relationship, I couldn't agree more. I have been happy and sad in turn, but there will always be one thing that I miss, solitude. It is a state of mind more than anything. And being with someone makes it elusive. Everytime I see something amazing, I want to tell someone, everytime I think of something interesting, I pick up the phone and call him. Or I find myself giving more attention to spending time with him than doing things just for myself. And I miss it so much. I remember how I would just decide to go to East Coast and hop on my bike and ride all the way to the beach.

I don't know if it's the nature of the relationship I'm in, but I miss that kind of freedom. Being with someone automatically means all plans and activities include their participation. And I do enjoy Lee's company, but there is nothing as free and spiritual as just being by yourself looking out to the sea or watching sunrise, or even taking a train in silence.

Over the last weekend, I took the Cal-train down to San Jose to visit Lee's family. We planned to get on the same train but from different stations, and for the few stations before Lee got on, I was watching the Christmas lights twinkling in the distance to the churning of the wheels of the train on tracks. The lights, the silence was peaceful, and I realized it was the solitude I missed. Then I wondered what was worse, a lonely life without the enrichment of romance but full of the spiritual ripeness of solitude, or a life arich with love but without those moments of time to be by yourself. And it was clear that I find the latter intolerable. If I had to pick, I would rather live a life without romance, but have the richness of solitude. All the poets I admire write from the central core of solitude. And it is from there that I beleive depth springs. And I miss it so much.

I want to take a walk by myself, or travel somewhere on my own. Love as wonderful as all it is, with all its blessings and gifts of companionship still lacks that one thing that I always miss--the gift of solitude. I find that it is the most peaceful state of mind--to not have to think of anyone else, but just you and the moment, and whatever the world around you has to offer. It is an awareness of yourself, and no one else is there to distract. And that peace that comes with it, comes form a deep source, and it goes a long long way.