Keeping the faith

Tonight, I don't have the heart to write. The story I've been working on is shit. Honestly. 72 pages of crap, and I have completely no idea where it is going. And I feel so lonely. I've always felt that I don't have a stable emotional core. My sister was just telling me about it this morning--about people who would suddenly lose touch of an image of themselves. I just thank the greater powers for the people around me who are stable. I cling to them like creepers and try to get support from them.

Talking to my mum the other day, I told her that sometimes I can understand why people would want to kill themselves. She agreed. I am like her in that way, our tendency is to fall into depression. But I am always thankful for the people around me. I find it strange and contradictory how I pride myself on loving solitude, but am in actuality so weak emotionally. But I will never kill myself, that is just too damn easy. Death is cheap. It is in living that we are called to the true test of our faith.

I have come to realize that so many things I once valued are cheap. Talent for example is bull. There is no such thing really. I wish I didn't grow up on a diet that fed me this illusion. Love at first sight is another. I don't believe in either one of these things. Recently, I saw a review for McCathy's works. One of them said something along the line of : McCarthy is born to write. This is bull. I wish people would stop sprouting nonsense like that. It is more hard work and passion than anything else. I wish people would stop talking about talent--for God's sake. There is no such thing. Passion, yes. Talent. No.

And love at first sight--don't even make me laugh. There are people I have felt genuine connection to from the very beginning. But that feeling is not to be mistaken for love. Love. It is not something that springs on you like a thunderbolt. It is also hard work. It grows day after day. I have always felt that love is like a tug of war. It takes the effort of two. The moment one person lets go, that is pretty much the end. And I am willing to work for it. I am willing to give what it takes. Love is not a straight path. But I will follow it whereever it leads me.

This is pretty much what I've come to learn--that anything that matters in life, anything, will call for your hard work. It will ask you to give. And I will give all that I've got, even if it's not nearly good enough. I will give it. Because this is what I have come to believe--that anything that is worth anything comes with a price, but that price is always something that you can give. If it matters enough you will give. You just have to open your heart and give it. So I will keep writing my 72 pages of crap.

I don't even hope that something good will come of it. Because to me it is worth it. It is worth 72 pages of crap. It is worth it.