Hey guys, it's me again! Sometimes, I feel like we've grown up real fast. It's as if we've been so caught up with living, there's all those space in between I missed and I go "Wat happened there?" do we always miss the process? Like flowers blooming, we are just not aware of it, until the bud opens then we realize that all along, the process has been happenign slowly, ever so slowly. I still can't quite say what's in that blank space in between. It is really like waking up from dream, only thing is I'm pretty sure I'm still slumbering in some way or another.
I still feel insecure stepping out, there's so much I want to learn and try, but there's also so much holding me back. Sometimes I wish I could live recklessly, but I do care about consequences. Hey, maybe it is quarter-life crisis as Li so much like to say. Or maybe it is just the same constant process I will be living with my whole life. My mum is still on the journey of self-discovery. Trying to uncover and find out about myself, who I am. What i stand for in all this madness. I wonder what peole who truly discover themselves, who finally sees their meaning, what do they feel? Sitting under a Bodhi tree or nailed upon a cross, or with a bullet in our stomach after painting out a lifetime of passion. It is sometimes such a struggle. Of course living out your calling takes immense courage and conviction. But for most of us, we are barely aware of our calling floating in and out of life day to day. Yes, Life is unbearably light. But being is not.
I see lots of young mums, a new life that is tossed upon some of them, unprepared. Some of them are excited, some are depressed, some have loving supportive husbands, some have bossy husbands, some do not make appearances. I don't quite know what I feel most of the time. I feel like I am an intrusion into lives of others at their most intimate moments. A stranger of sorts, a viewer, a passive non-participant whom they will in all likelihood forget. But on this side, the impact is greater.
I feel more certain than ever now that creation is the life source of all life. And if you ask people who create, it is an impulse. And no life is worth truly living if it is not fuelled by a deep passion for something in life--whatever that may be. I think the only worthwhile life, is the life lived out with passion. And it is not only the artists, songwriters, directors or dancers who have the priviledge to passion and creation. We all create our own world--with passion or without. WE redraw things, we look at things anew always. I don't think I will ever stop being a child in some secret part of me. Do you rguys remember the poem 'The Shroud"? About the old school uniform?
I fially realize that I don;t agree with it. It is not a shroud, it is a a deep seated seed fallen into a crack i our lives, stil alive in a secret garden we can visit if we ever need to. Not folded and dead in a drawer. BUt living in past dreams and fantasies.
I still slumber.
By: Nippy | Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 12:38 PM | | 
Hey guys, it's me again! Sometimes, I feel like we've grown up real fast. It's as if we've been so caught up with living, there's all those space in between I missed and I go "Wat happened there?" do we always miss the process? Like flowers blooming, we are just not aware of it, until the bud opens then we realize that all along, the process has been happenign slowly, ever so slowly. I still can't quite say what's in that blank space in between. It is really like waking up from dream, only thing is I'm pretty sure I'm still slumbering in some way or another.
I still feel insecure stepping out, there's so much I want to learn and try, but there's also so much holding me back. Sometimes I wish I could live recklessly, but I do care about consequences. Hey, maybe it is quarter-life crisis as Li so much like to say. Or maybe it is just the same constant process I will be living with my whole life. My mum is still on the journey of self-discovery. Trying to uncover and find out about myself, who I am. What i stand for in all this madness. I wonder what peole who truly discover themselves, who finally sees their meaning, what do they feel? Sitting under a Bodhi tree or nailed upon a cross, or with a bullet in our stomach after painting out a lifetime of passion. It is sometimes such a struggle. Of course living out your calling takes immense courage and conviction. But for most of us, we are barely aware of our calling floating in and out of life day to day. Yes, Life is unbearably light. But being is not.
I see lots of young mums, a new life that is tossed upon some of them, unprepared. Some of them are excited, some are depressed, some have loving supportive husbands, some have bossy husbands, some do not make appearances. I don't quite know what I feel most of the time. I feel like I am an intrusion into lives of others at their most intimate moments. A stranger of sorts, a viewer, a passive non-participant whom they will in all likelihood forget. But on this side, the impact is greater.
I feel more certain than ever now that creation is the life source of all life. And if you ask people who create, it is an impulse. And no life is worth truly living if it is not fuelled by a deep passion for something in life--whatever that may be. I think the only worthwhile life, is the life lived out with passion. And it is not only the artists, songwriters, directors or dancers who have the priviledge to passion and creation. We all create our own world--with passion or without. WE redraw things, we look at things anew always. I don't think I will ever stop being a child in some secret part of me. Do you rguys remember the poem 'The Shroud"? About the old school uniform?
I fially realize that I don;t agree with it. It is not a shroud, it is a a deep seated seed fallen into a crack i our lives, stil alive in a secret garden we can visit if we ever need to. Not folded and dead in a drawer. BUt living in past dreams and fantasies.
I still slumber.
By: Nippy | at 12:38 PM | |
It's strange, but being away from Singapore, has thrown so much more insight on the country I left then if I have never left it. Perhaps, that why it is sometimes refreshing to hear about yourself through someone else's eyes. As always, we are limited to our own points of views, and being in a place, we are blind to its beauties, its ugliness. It has long become a form of backdrop in our lives. The HDBs are but places we return to, type on our computers in. Where we take the elevators, only as a mere function. an in-between to what our day promises.
But it is these things, little things which I miss about Singapore. And never before has some of these taken for granted things about it, struck me as strange. IT is strange, because I think Singapore has lots of talents. If you guys can come over here and see the advertisements here. You'll be shocked at how bad they are. The messages are always loosely linked, you are suppose to draw your own conclusions about what the advertisements are saying about the products. And your conclusions can go both ways. Everytime it leaves my sis and I going " What? What are they saying?" The art scene here is definitely more liberal, they have many more independent places where plays, arts, performances are being produced, but if you ask me, our local art scene despite the lack of freedom and opportunities to develop freely in its own sphere has some much more potential and excitement than some of the art/performances here.
ONe question which bugs me is, why is it that when I was in Singapore, I have never seen this? Never known this? The most thought provoking is how I can be one of those people who fail to recognize that" Yes, Singapore has a unique CULTURE" instead of disregarding what we have as culture, or worse, denying that Singapore even has a culture in the first place. Perhaps, because too much of this concept of "culture" has been monopolized by the government. We are sick of slogans, national parades rammingn it down our throats about what being Singaporean means, "this is what our culture is". WE yearn for osmething more, somethign deeper than some flashy costumes and a rehearsed dance. It will work on kids, but once we've attained a certain level of critical thinking, everything becomes suspect. And what a lot of Singaporeans, our generation has done is to fling all that aside. A total abandonment or the attempt to disregard this, instead of a filtering or a search to find where this culture actually lies, if there is indeed one. Singapore is condemed to be a "boring place, where nothing new can be discovered, because that is all there is to it. WE have no culture, but this massive globalization that is happening".
In all cultures, there are creators as well as recipients of those cultures. Some of it comes from tradition, but in fact, a lot of it comes from new creations, innovations which people as a group take on when themselves as similar. There is no such feeling among SIngaporeans. No wonder, people who try to create a unique new culture, inevitably fails. Who is out there who wants to take on this 'new-ness?" EVerything local has somehow attained a discrimination that it will sooner or later become too cheesy (like local sit-coms) or too political (like local theatre) which never seems to be able to escape from political issue or too art house (like local films) which always try too hard. WE are in a death-trap. WE shout on one hand" We have no tradition, we have tossed that aside", on the other hand we secretly disbelief that Singapore can produce anythign truly genuine and new that will take off among its own people.
THe Americans are patriotic to the extent of believing that their version of truth/democracy can be exported like a commodity and will work because it is a "TRUTH" like justice, that "Democracy will promise freedom and happiness". Of course, we Singaporeans are much more cycnical or realistic. But on the other hand, they are also patriotic enough to stand up to criticize people in power should this value they hold so dear be threatened.
At the heart of it, I think Singaporeans really don't believe in themselves. And they are quick to burst little bubbles local artistes (not artist) have. Like Singapore idols--they are but that--bubbles, everyone is too quick to burst before they are given a chance to form themselves proper. And then when they do ultimately fail, we say "there we knew it", "they are not going to make it big in Singapore". Isn't it strange that so many local talents are seeking to establish themselves overseas before they gain recognition from their own people?
And I still can't shake off the image of general responses to all products local. IT's a local band? I'm not interested. LEt's watch that new Hollywood blockbuster instead. I'm not gonna waste my money on local films.---That was teh kind of Singapoer I left, perhaps, when I return it might be changed. But as always, you might have a new breed of culture creators, you still need a new group of recipients.
By: Nippy | Saturday, February 17, 2007 at 2:17 AM | |
IT's true, we get older.
And whatever we believed about growing up, about adulthood
how invincible they looked, how easy it looked,
it seems vague now, and almost laughable.
I wonder what gives children these notions
that with age comes a certain right, as if all our fears and cowardice in childhood
can magically evaporate when we hit that right age.
As if the increases in numbers of candles on cakes
are minor triumphs every year worth celebrating
the coming of age
and the things beyond
Growing bigger than our clothes, our shoes
that giraffe measuring tape in MRT stations I used to pit myself against
proud to out do that immortal animal
And then you reach that magical age
you get this special key, a symbol of freedom
then suddenly there is a landslide of responsibilities
you are thrown out from that cosy cradle
with all its magic and it admitted vulnerability.
Now you hunt for yourself.
Suddenly you want to seek refuge in your past,
in childhood.
Nevermind that it was not really that happy
that skies might not have been that blue
nor grass that green
growing older, and only hopefully wiser
you see more questions
you never noticed as a child
everything seemed to answer to itself back then
now you are only equipped with these question marks
running around trying to match shapes and colours
like those toys you used to excel in
blue triangle in the blue slot
only you've found out blue is not exactly blue
and there are so many shades to life
You become so much more vulnerable
it is like valentines day and singlehood
I thought Bridget Jones was a fool
and all that crap about celebrating cupids with wings
were bloody bullshit
who cares if I have to be alone (again) this year
I'll live.
That was the courage of teenagers(or drunks)
I don't drink, and still I age
Suddenly ordinary things scares me
like those red hearts on display windows
they take on new shapes
like monsters under beds
and I need an imaginary friend.
By: Nippy | Saturday, February 10, 2007 at 7:12 AM | |
Bloody hell--Valentines day is such a big thing here
but not Chinese New year
this is so weird for me
I see hearts everywhere
instead of Pigs and new year decos
but---at least they are red.
By: Nippy | Monday, February 05, 2007 at 2:45 PM | |
OK, firstly I'm feeling better these days. HAha I'm quite happy some times, maybe cos the grey weather is starting to turn blue! How was the trip Simmy? Hey do send me some nice photos from your new camera phone.
Life--is still kind of slow and boring. I've concluded that's because of the absence of friends. My only consolation is that I'll make more in time and I won't lose those I already have..
Still, life isn't half so bad, There are still that overcrowding at home sometimes. I think of that fun but lame science experiment in Pri school with all those green beans and bean sprouts. Compare cup A--a few beans snuggly growing to cup B--a whole handful fo beans fighting for space. I loved that experiment, and kept repeating it at home myself, for some strange reason I like to see the gross yellowish cotton from which the beans grow.
I have tried to plant a basil plant from one of the Vietnamese noodles I had, they give fresh basil branches. But it is dying slowly, refusing to grow roots. I'm still refusing to give up on it..although it is drying up ever so slowly. Never say die! I'll let it run its own natural course.
I'm thinking up packages to send to you guys, because I realized it is fun receiving parcels! And fun sending them too...
MY sis is still being marvin-like. Hey go watch a Htichhikers guide to the galaxy to find out what is marvin-like syndrome...
Ok a little post to let you guys all is well, yes I do have bad days, but good days pop up once in a while too. Mostly days are just little greys wizzing by. Suddenly it's CNY again..
There's no atmosphere at all. I miss shopping for new clothes with you guys. REmember how CNY used to be a big thing in AHS because it is the only day we don't have to wear school uniform? And LI, remember THIS FASHION? WE bought those skirts, I think that's the shockingly only time I wore that skirt and then left it to rot...
ok people, keep you guys updated, be in stall for more weird and disjointed ramblings, those are my happy posts! Those long depressive ones are my evil-arty-friend self. I shall name it....(let me think abotu this first) I will get back to you guys.
By: Nippy | Saturday, February 03, 2007 at 5:18 AM | |
