Ha, I know it is doomed before I even began. I read one of my friend's blog, and her year end reflection was sincere, inspirational and I thought to myself. Yar..that is a very good thing to do to sum up the past year and give thanks. But hey, that's what wrong with me. I can't get into the mood to be reflexive. Everytime, I feel inspired to look deeper at my own existence, it never happens. I sound like a bloody simpleton (as I usually am). Which explains why exam is a pain for me, I can't write when I have to. It has to come suddenly. Thoughts always comes in spurts and sputters. One a very random day, by accidental ways, or simply craziness, I will start getting all thoughtful and really sentimental. But it is never the right time. but perhaps there never is a right time, just moments, purely accidental moments which trigger thoughtful mental stimulations. It's like stumbling upon treasures on our ways in total unexpected fashions. Days, when you feel so grateful for everything. Including that very instance you get such feelings. You walk along totally unaware of how something small and insignificant may make you feel just glad to be alive, or feel that living can be quite a pain.
Anyhow, I am thankful for those moments, however rare they are. They are precious. I really can't do a very decent review on the year. The days which I have passed have become smudged and hazy. A bit washed out. I don't remember events very well(that makes me perhaps a very crappy history student). But still,the past year has become remnants of feelings and experiences stuck in some abandoned corner of my mind (or quite simply evaporated). I am thankful. I wish the whole year can be compressed into a meaningful post (with all the colours, feelings and sensations), or at least inspire one. But, sigh, I have explained myself. At the risk of sounding like a simpleton, I still want to be thankful for the past year, and for simply being alive. Ha! And yes, I am definitely hungry for more.
By: Nippy | Wednesday, December 28, 2005 at 11:24 PM | | 
Possibly. But I enjoyed it. Yeah, I know it is kind of sickening, these two worded Chinese movies popping out like daisies by talented fifth generation and the likes directors. But I guess they need to eat too, so well.. very pardonable. I think the market is already quite saturated by these Chinese epics. Beginning with 'crouching tiger', followed by cartloads of 两个字 movies. The 'blah', The 'blah',etc.. Hey, I have been pretty disillusioned by these epcis with computer graphics, great spectacles, flying martial artists, half naked beauties, thundering horse hooves on steep plateaus. Very exotic depictions of the past, and very pleasurable to the eyes but realy feels much like money sucking lies. I always leave the cinema feeling like it's money not well spent.
BUT (a big but), I enjoyed 'The Promise' despite my prejudices. I really liked it. There really isn;t much of a surprise, it is every bit the kind of stereotypical Chinese epic the trailer portrayed. But yet, the cinematography was quite wow. I liked the dreamscape like setting of a 'mythical China'. I know the whole idea is kind of chessy, but it does it so well,I really can't complain much. But I can't stand Nicholas Tse's stupid face.(I'm not sorry). everytime, he comes on screen, he looks like he is trying to suppress his own laughter. If he feels what he is doing is ridiculous, the audience will all the more feel it loh. But him aside, I enjoyed the movie. There are some really beautiful shots (in my opinion). I have some doubts about the concept of the show, but the way it has been executed is (nods of approval). I must admit, I kind of like the depiction of Chinese not as some civilized Confucian drinking tea reciting poetry, because, there had been lots of war in the past, and they were definitely brutal. When it comes to war, civilization/ cultured or not, all are barbarians.
By: Nippy | Tuesday, December 27, 2005 at 11:16 PM | |
I am so thankful for my balcony. thank you to whoever invented the idea.
By: Nippy | Monday, December 26, 2005 at 1:33 PM | |
Gosh! Sometimes, I get so mad with myself!!! I really wish I'll shut my freaking mouth sometimes and just keep everything inside... Christmas has come, and sigh... the topic of religion crept up on a very unsuspecting conversation with my friends. i am quite convinced that I can never talk well about this topic, not intending to offend, I somehow, quite miraculously often pull it off. It is only a very supremely exremely select few, I can really talk about religion without the other party getting pissed off, and yet understanding prefectly what I mean.
I'm not attempting to justify myself, that is unnecessary. But I am disturbed that I am perfectly misunderstood on almost every occasion. I once read that when two persons of differing viewpoints engage in a discussion about religion, it will almost always end in disagreement.because neither will accomodate the other, nor take a step back. That is prehaps a tad too mild. It will end in aggressive-defensive, self justifying and quoting session. Why. Why is it so hard to have a genuinely heart to heart discussion without the judgments, the atonished looks of 'how can you think that?' and "No! that's not what I mean." I feel disapointed, angered that it just spirals down to become a "Ok..(awkward silence) so what do you understanding by god?' or etc.. Nothing is explicitly said to make me uncomfortable, but implicit in gaps, pauses. And it is condescending when it becomes a quiz.
Sometimes, it is so hard to discuss all my doubts and questions. And I feel that I really need to address them, not on my own. Perhaps, others might think that I am suffering from intellectual pride, when all it comes down to is faith. It is not that! I nver think that I am too bloody intelligent to believe in the Christian idea of god. Even I am not so foolish to think that. But why is that the defensive-aggressive response to my questions, which I think are human enough. I am not trying to build a wall to keep out faith and believe.(this is I guess how most people react instinctively to my rather fundamental doubts).. And I think it is never a choice, I am not out shopping for a spiritual foundation for my life. I'm on a journey searching for my personal truth. And I know there might be detours, cul de sac, wrong ways, and it might be a lonely path. But sometimes, I just wish to have a truthful and fulfilling conversation with my fellow travellers without either of us trying to force the other to walk the same way that we may embark on our own personal spiritual journeys towards our destinations. That we can smile and trust in both god and our friends that we will see them there at the end of the journey.
By: Nippy | Saturday, December 24, 2005 at 10:49 PM | |
It's time! Dial up. excitement, anxiety. Hopeful aniticipation.
PAUSE. strange pessimistic thoughts. STOP THAT.
Flash back: exam scene. Shit! I wrote something stupid. DAMN
It probably stinks. PAUSE. suddenly hopeful.
couldn't be that bad. Log on. Matric no. ok...
PIN no. hm... Loading... heart beat quickens
FLASH. page changes. Any A s? Please...
quick glance. Hm.. It's ok, not much of a surprise.
Normality. tick tick. time passes. Take a second look.
Fine. Quite happy. Calm washes over. BLANK. PAUSE.
what was all that for?
By: Nippy | Thursday, December 22, 2005 at 11:17 PM | |
Something exciting: Warm welcome to Sim! Who has decided to jump onto the blogger bandwagon!! Pity, I couldn't see "SANTA's" blog.. For some strange reason, I couldn't get to the page.. (but my sis did, while snooping , haha) Tsk tsk not fated, perhaps? I heard that he is very devout now? (shall try again later)
Hey hey, a new blog has just been born. And to all budding bloggers out there, who cares if it's just a fad? Who cares if no one really gives a damn about your blog? It's a place for people to connect (hopefully) where we can drop a bitchy line on a lousy day. Somewhere you can still keep a look out on how your friends are doing.. How they've grown.. [And changed ;)] And a whole new platform to discover ourselves!!! So Welcome Sim! What took you so LONG????
By: Nippy | Monday, December 19, 2005 at 11:53 PM | |
the time-forgotten.
did time forget it or did it forget time?
forgetful, forgetting, forgotten. Not abandoned.
It has its own voice, life and memories now.
Everyone has left it, all except for memories,that you can still feel lingering.
Nature, once torn down to give birth to this place.
Once again holds supreme.
He told me" It is like we are looking at something like geological time scale now. Decades. Like when rocks become sand again. And the sand will one day become rocks again."
I told him" look what nature has done to this place. It's like stumbling into a time portal. No, more like a time forgotten zone. So laden with stagnant time and memories."
Today, I saw metal so corroded by time and natural elements they beomce papers. Papers full of holes. It was beautiful....
By: Nippy | Wednesday, December 14, 2005 at 10:49 PM | |
Hah! Can't wait for Christmas to arrive. It's the one festival I look forward to the whole year and once it's over, I start looking forward to it again. Every year I look forward to the end of the year: Cheesy Christmas decos,plastic santas, out of tune children choir carols in shopping centres, Crazy sales and crazier crowds.
Hey it's all the chaos that makes Christmas so appealing! Come on, we can all rant about how commercialized everything has become, but really deep down I think we all enjoy the bustle and happiness that fills the place. Everyone looks forwad to the holidays. And the christmas decos really does make everything seem more pleasant.
And of course, my favourite Christmas carols, which I think most people agree are really quite sadistic. Mummy kissing santa clause (possibly a boy witnessing his mother haivng an affair with the gardener) Santa Clause is coming to town ("you better watch out..." "He sees you when you're sleeping?" this one is about a stalker)And grandma got run over by reindeer ( I couldnt believe my ears when I first heard this one, But it really makes me go beserk, can't stop laughing when this one comes on..)
But really, it is spending some time with close friends and family, I'm really looking forward to. They always make the season extra-terrestially special. hah (it's a bad joke, I know, but hey I'm getting into the Christmas mood..)
By: Nippy | Saturday, December 10, 2005 at 12:23 AM | |
I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!!Hey I love slacking, lazing around... Picking up books I've read half way and attempt to finish them. Just sit at home and rot. Watch the bloody clock ticking. drinking plain water at home. Enjoying a boring life. THIS IS LIFE MAN...PLus, I can be a potato couch and watch one movie after another. Or just lie in bed and 吹风. don't need a car to do that, just need a bed, an open window and some breeze! Viola! play a bit of piano, hang out some laundry. Sun tan in the balcony. Water my plants. Listen to old cds. Waiting for Christmas to arrive.... 爽
Thoroughly ejoying uneventful boredom...
[Msg only for the eyes of Li and Wei Ling (haha yar right,if only)When are you girls free for that excavation project to dig up that box in ahs ground, will we be arrested? wahaha so exciting..]
By: Nippy | Thursday, December 08, 2005 at 4:18 PM | |
It's like when children fall for one another. on the spot, without introduction. Grown-ups don't pay it much attention because they can't imagine anything more majestic to a child than their own selves, and so confuses dependence with reverence. Parents can be lax or strict, timid of confident, ....whatever kind they are, their place is secondary to a child's first love. If such children find each other before they know their own sex, or which one of them is starving, which well fed; before they know colour from no color, kin from stranger, they have found a mix of surrender and mutiny they can never live without.
-Toni Morrison, Love
Some days, I feel old. Ok not old, just older. When I see sec school kids, or Jc students. I feel old(er). It's not that I am 21, that I can officially watch R(a) movies. It's not even the supposed magic of being 21 yrs old. It is knowing that I am different from those teenagers.
It is that awkwardness of being a teen. Feeling like you don't fit in your own skin. No longer a kid, not yet an adult. Wanting to have some power but hating control, rules. I'm not awkward anymore. I don't feel like I don't fit into the spaces around me. I don't feel that I am always conscious of others' stares. I don't need to rebel just to prove that I have my own mind.
How they want to make a statement. How they live only in the present. How they disregard others but yet desire their consent.
It is why I feel older. I look back to the past and need to plan ahead. I've figured that I don't need to make a statement, I am the statement. I don't need to shout to be heard.
It is also learning that confidence doesn't need to be loud, it can be quiet. It is understanding that ideal is important but so are other considerations. It is forgiving my parents for their imperfections. When both sides stop expecting unattainable expectations from each other.
Yar, today I feel older, (and hopefully) wiser.
By: Nippy | Monday, December 05, 2005 at 5:01 PM | |
