Sometimes I do ask myself this:

Who the hell do I think I am, putting my thoughts up here. I am only as informed as my experience in life so far informs me. And by God, they are incomplete. My thoughts are merely subjective little things, the result of the circumstances of my life. HOw do I know that someone/anyone stumbling up here may not read everything wrongly and take everything in a wrong light. Misunderstanding what I mean and going out into the world causing mischief or misery.

But then I tell myself:

these are my thoughts, and I am entitled to hold them. I can choose to keep them to myself or speak it honestly. They are only as true as I know them to be. But if I am to wait until I am perfectly sure, then I am never ever going to speak. Sometimes being politically correct is less important than sharing about essential epxeriences in life, however, wrong, mistaken and incomplete they may be. I think I understand what the teacher meant when she said "Silence is death." And I never want to be afraid of speaking out. Because I realize that silence eventually becomes muteness, and it seeps all the way through to the heart, the spirit the soul. the way to keep feeling for the world is to feel engaged enough to speak for and about it.

By: Nippy | Friday, August 29, 2008 at 1:21 PM | |

Dearest Li,

As always, it is this wonderful gift in our friendship that we can share honestly and bravely about all things with enough trust even if we disagree fiercely about the most important things in life. That too, takes courage to speak out about things which hurt, which uplift, which enlighten and haunts us in the dark hours. This is to our friendship too. Here goes.

Dear girl, Sometimes I get angry. I am so glad you talked about the issue of sex and love. I feel that sex being such an important part of life and love often get swept under the carpet. You know, that extract was enlightening, and people need to address sex and its place in our lives whether privately or publicly or among friends or with lovers. It should not be the kind of hushed up secret it is in the place of society--in its secrecy it is made into fantasies, in its secrecy, it becomes illusion. In its secrecy it becomes a perversion.

Sex is a part of life. And can be a healthy part of life, for an emotionally healthy person, for a strong relationship. Of course, sex is also a very human desire. And your extract has it right, people cannot always control their desires for good or for bad. Sex is sometimes about power, sometimes about powerlessness. The thing to always remember is that sex on its own is really a neutral natural act. It is the value we attach to it and our attitudes towards it that counts. I feel that sex lies at the heart of our human condition, whether we like it or not, it is going to be something which will occupy our mind and our time and a large part of life. And to not understand this fundamental place of sex in life and in relationship is delusional and sometimes can be dangerous. Understanding it, I feel, actually puts a person in a better stead than one who doesn't. That is why I get so angry that people choose not to address this important issue for fear of shame, of pain, or otherwise. Because it is the one thing which needs so much honesty. (with all the risk involve of STD, emotional wreckage as mentioned in the extract on your blog).

Side tracking a little, I recently saw a documentary about the people's temple tragedy in the 1970s. A community of the "People's temple" committed mass suicide, 900 over people died, including children and babies. The incident is one of pain for many of the relatives, and survivors, yet watching the documentary, I could not but be moved by what some relatives and survivors had done when they choose to go back to that pain and talk about it, so that we may learn. The most moving for me, was what the son of the Rev. Jones-the leader of the community-- said at the end. He has been part of that community, he speaks for those who chose to do it. Looking into the camera, he also says, for us then not to judge those people, but to put ourselves in their shoes if we can, and learn from the tragedy if we can , so that those 900 people did not die in vain. I thought it was incredibly moving how he spoke for the dead. For the dead, we think we can never ever understand, and whom without his intervention we would blame or see as incredibly stupid or brainwashed.

What I am trying to say, I guess, is that pain no matter on what kind of scale can be shared, and the burden lessened, only if we choose to share it. That is the same with the discussion on sex. SImilarly, sex is also about joy, and that too should be shared--although so few people really do. There is a knee-jerk reaction in the society to react negatively against the discussion of sex. It is labeled dirty, or considered something so intimate, it should never be talked about. Of course, it is an intimate act, and to ask for all its private details is an intrusion. But, that line can be drawn, and healthy discussions can co-exist with privacy.

I do not think that the documentary in trying to shed light on the people's temple tragedy was an intrusion of privacy. It is an act of courage on the part of the interviewees and the creators of the documentary. And the discussion is important today as it was almost 30 years ago. What more of sex--this constant part of being human throughout all of history.

But to get to my point, in relation to your extract. I feel that people still fail to see that the problem described in that extract is a problem with one's self-esteem, not sex. What she say about having sex too soon is true, but it is also because, the people described have not found a firm foundation for their selves, using sex as a tool for self-esteem, of course will lead to a bad end. Just the same if they had used drugs, alcohol, or anything else. SO often, sex is used as a scapegoat for much deeper personal problems and not being able to separate that, leads to much more problems.

Alright, sex aside. Love comes next. Dear girl, I am happy you know what you want from a relationship, and what you've said is indeed a hallmark of a strong relationship, one with depth, growth and strength. You are not naive, and do not listen to anyone who tells you that. I hate that word. "Naive" is so often used as a cover for cynicism, a discouragement to someone who has a dream. People who use it are cynics who do not believe in other's or their own power to dream and to attain that dream.

But girl, do not see a chance encounter with a person who does not fit your ideal as a jeep you do not want to jump on. That is being unkind to yourself and to that person. Because what I've come to realize is that learning to love someone who does not fit the ideal, is as beautiful as finding someone who does. Of course, I hope you are lucky enough to find the one you love as you always hoped for, but remember it is not always about finding the person , sometimes it is about finding love out of an unlikely person. Sometimes love is not a feeling, it is a decision to keep your faith, a decision to stay together, there is no perfection in love. I think , God in his wisdom made love that way.

Alright, girl, I think it's time to stop, when i get teary myself.

But here's also a consolation to those lonely nights. Love comes in many forms. It doesn't always come in a person, sometimes it is a mission, sometimes it comes as a passion, sometimes it is work, sometimes a calling. I think we sometimes forget to look inside ourselves for that love. That's why I'm so certain you'll find it. Because you are one of those who never forgot.

Love,
Nip

By: Nippy | Monday, August 25, 2008 at 2:11 PM | |

In response to your thoughts of the dissolution of the traditional family structure

Li, as always we agree to disagree.

You know what's more disturbing than falling birth rates? The trend of having babies just for the sake of frivolous Hollywood glamour. It is a freaking trend here. Having babies is a fashion statement now, the Hollywood stars are having babies in bunches. While the Singapore leadership may be talking about the serious case of low birth rates, the Hollywood stars are giving birth one after another. I find it more if not equally disturbing than the fact that women and men are not choosing marriage, that having babies has become a fad. If Singapore faces the problem of a lack of babies, then it is true that over here that babies are being born underprivileged, unwanted, in bad family environment which daily exposes them to violence. So that they grow up only knowing violence, drugs, abuse and just plain horror I can't even begin to describe or even imagine. So many babies are born to different family structures other than the traditional form with both the presence of a father and mother.

I used to think that, hey, you know, only a proper nuclear family can give a baby/child the supportive environment it needs growing up. But coming here changed that view. I feel that there really isn't a right way, there are gay parents who adopt children who are abandoned. The structure of the family has very little to do with a parent or parents' capacity and capability to love and care for a child. NO doubt about it, single parenthood is hard. My co-worker has a four year old son, she is trying to bring up on her own. She is struggling with work, her personal life, and her son, whom she loves and constantly thinks of. I don't believe that there are perfect parents, I think everyone is thrown into it. Much like how we are all thrown into life, we learn to swim when we are thrown into the deep end. And some how we make do, in our own little ways.

At the end of the day, I think there is something much bigger when we talk about marriage, sex, family, babies. I think at the end of the day, it all comes down to love. And what that means to everyone differs, I feel that while procreation is indeed important to us as a species, love is the reason we are here as humans. And i don't mean that pink fluffy mumbo jumbo flimsy kind of love. I mean that kind of love central to our existence. Sometimes it is love for another person, or yourself, or your work. At the end of the day, having a family, children (I feel) needs as much preserverance and work as any relationship, as any passion. I feel, anyone who is not up to that kind of love, gay or straight, rich or poor, single or married should not think of having children.

AS everything else in life, having children, forming a family is a conscious choice, and God knows there'll be days when you'll just feel like saying "Fuck this. What was I thinking, I would rather just go to Bahamas for a luxury cruise." rather than waking up at 4am to feed the baby, or having to pick up your child from school after your long day of work, or just having to share your life, cutting up the pie of your precious time for someone else. I think it is the same, for a child or for a lover. While I do not deny that family, as the basic building blocks of a society is the life blood of a nation. But having babies or forming families merely for a patriotic reason or as a social convention is really doing it for the wrong reason. I believe quite firmly that we are here on Earth to find love and give that love in whatever we do, whether it is for another person, a child or for your passion. I don't think it is all that important whether your love is of the same sex as you are, whether that child you love has the family structure deemed normal. And this love is non-exclusive, and to say otherwise would be reflect so bleaky on our place in this world, I would much rather be accused an idealist than give up my believe in this principle.

By: Nippy | Thursday, August 21, 2008 at 2:16 PM | |

Dear Jing,

Thank you so much for your visit. It is not the first time I have felt gratitude when I think of the friends I have made in my life so far. Don't thank me, thank yourself, for helping me appreciate the city and your presence after a year and a half without having a close friend to talk to. You'll probably see this once you're back home, in the Singapore heat, dreading work, facing life once again. I think it's funny, how the topics of our conversation change over the years, but they eventually lead back to the same thing--about finding ourselves and being true to that self. Haha you're right we really are similar in a lot of ways.

Everything takes time and effort, and a touch of magic before they mean anything. I feel that I am still trying--not so much to settle, but to feel attachment to places. It is the people and memories we've built upon the various places which still grounds me. And coming to this new place, the blank slate promises a new beginning but sometimes blankness. I can still talk and chat about the old places and laugh but sometimes it is hard to appreciate the beauty right here without some happy memories to link it and to provide it with some deeper connection. I am sure I will eventually, but it will take time, laughter, tears and strange adventures.

I hope you had as much fun as I did. And Courage to going back to work. Cheers to living with similar questions, there is no certainty in answers. Sometimes I guess that's what life is made of, changes, fear, predicaments and the courage and faith to face up to them.

I will miss you until we meet again (hopefully next year),
Nip

By: Nippy | Friday, August 08, 2008 at 3:17 PM | |

I haven't been able to write anything for the longest time. Just bits and pieces of random, unimportant, vanishing thoughts which don't amount to much or mean anything. I've always thought it is because I have been distracted, or just plain lazy. BUt thanks to a friend's enlightening post, I found out the cause of this lack of inspiration. I haven't been feeling anything for the past couple of months. I can't explain this numbness. Just a disconnectedness from the world outside, and a tiredness that goes so deep, nothing is of interest, and nothing is important anymore.

Sometimes I get tired of the world. There just doesn't seem to be a thing that is worthwhile. NOthing beautiful or touching to get me out of my cave-state. NOthing I believe in with conviction and zeal, nothing to fight for, nothing to live for, nothing to think, feel and argue about. JUst day to day items on a to-do-list I must accomplish. I ma not depressed, but I am very very jaded. It's like my vision has tunneled into this boredom tunnel vision, I can't spot the amusing, the silly, the ugly, the pathetic, the miraculous--the stories have all vanished.

Not being able to feel is terrible. I look past homeless blankly. I don't feel sad when I hear of shootings. THe ambulance's non-stop insane screamings get blocked out. When the weather is nice, it's just blue skies in the background. I haven't felt the same connectedness to things the way I used to in a long long time.

Boredom is a disease I can't find a cure to. My curiosity have run its course, now it's just a trickle left. THe uninspired self just can't seem to lift itself to of its hole. I am not complaining, but that itself just seem to reflect my problem. I have nothing to complain about--I wonder if this is what middle-age promises? This comfortable numbness towards life. Maybe this is how alcoholics feel, this dream-state of oblivion which is yet another form of ennui. The humdrum life is but the symptom. The root cause--what I am feeling.

The thing now is, I have the diagnosis, but what's the cure I need?

By: Nippy | Sunday, August 03, 2008 at 3:43 AM | |