Seems like as I grow older, the more I learn of misfortunes and tragedies around me. Maybe ignorance is bliss, but no one can live in a bubble forever. In a way, everytime we hear about someone whom we know pass away, we get a rude shock. A reminder that that too is our eventual fate, that life is full of changes and the unexpected. Sim, I'm sorry to hear about your friend, I didn't say much when I first read your post because I didn't know what to say. But recently, I too had news that one of our family friend, a father of a chlidhood friend passed away in a motor accident in Hong Kong. I never know what exactly to feel. Because the truth is I didn't and still don't feel much. His death seems so far away, so surreal. All I know are that words have been uttered that "Uncle A---- has passed away." And I try to picture how it feels to lose a father, or even just someone close, but I can't picture it. I think of what a blow it must be for my friends. The two sisters younger than I am. But other than knowing for a fact that I should feel sad, that it is a tragedy, I felt too little. I wonder if I am cold. Perhaps I should feel more. Afterall, for a time, our families have been pretty close. But all I know is that I am thankful, I am still alive, I am thankful, my family is safe and alive. I know it is selfish, but other than a deep thankfulness that all my loved ones and closed friends are well and fine. I feel an equally deep knowledge that I can't change anything, and am powerless against the dictate of fate or whatever greater power there is.

I can't even comptemplate what meaning or light may be shed on my own life. Other than the fact that I'll never know when something unexpected may take away my life, my mind, my freedom. Carpe diem never seemed more ominous a warning. Seize the day, for you'll never know which is your last it seems to say sometimes. Especially when you get that rude shock that "It could have been you. It could have been anyone." All I know is that, should I die. I have never regretted a single day of my life. I think that that might in itself be good enough. Although I use to think that I must do something to help better the world, that I should at least have some accomplishments before I die. I no longer think that. Because sometimes, the smallest things we have done may have been the impact that we have left. Like the speaker the other day in class. I loved her speech so much, I went to talk to her after the class ended. I told her how amazing it is that she is putting her gifts to good use, making changes and doings things which matter to her. She said quite simply and sincerely that I too, will find the place where my gifts will intersect with the world.

I think that is all that anyone can ask for, to be able to find a place where our gifts intersect with the world, and make a difference however small. But even should we fail to find that place before we are taken away. I think there is always the consolation that we impact people in seemingly insignificant ways, but we never know when we drastically changed someone's way of thinking. We don't know our own legacies, because we can only be whoever we can be, and we can never tell how someone may be changed by a handshake or a smile, or a simple line of encouragement. The small things are sometimes the greatest thing.

I just want to live simply and honestly.

By: Nippy | Thursday, May 22, 2008 at 10:38 AM | |

More and more, I get this feeling that the world is liquid, that I am liquid. That everything in life, the philosophies, the stories we carry, songs we sing about our existence are intangible, flexible and liquid. That we all are liquid intermingling in a massive body of liquid. It is futile to say this is me and that is you, or this is mine and that is yours. What the world holds as valuable are the solid answers, what science can do, what the eyes can see and the mind testify to. EVeryone holds on the the fixed frameworks and try to stay dry. But more and more this feeling that the world is liquid and we are dipping in this communal pool becomes a way for me to understand the world. How we are more connected than we know. How we are not individuals but networks of cause and effects. How we are not individuals striving for certain goals but impacts we leave on one another and the world we live in. And things flow in and, both good and bad in this big pool of emotions, dreams and beliefs. Made up of tears, rain, waves, sweat, rivers, blood, water vapors, urine and oceans.

By: Nippy | Wednesday, May 14, 2008 at 2:47 PM | |

At what point does something become pointless, a stupid endeavor which doesn't and never will pay off? I don't know if there is a line between persistence and stubborn foolishness. I keep asking myself if sometimes I am too impatient. And there's always that same maybe. Maybe
What if
Perhaps
that chance
could still have
a
hope
something along that line
a sort-of
possibility
if
I had not stopped
to listen to that salesperson
if
I had just walked right past
then I would have been there a second too early
and not have that doubt
which nags
about
that could-have-been
or
should-have-been
perhapsness
of maybe chances
who knows
what is lost
and who gains
only probably

By: Nippy | at 2:10 PM | |

I think it is a miracle, even if it may seem a minor one to most, Friendships. Especially the one we share. I remember all those tricks, all those stunts we pulled. The giggly girls in white, trying to fight back, being disgusting, refusing labels. I still see you this way after all these years--as a rebel of sorts. A guerilla fighter against expectations of the way girls are "Supposed" to behave. I was feeling especially bad tonight, another traumatic dinner at home--the quiet tension, the desert storm--all silent, dry, parched and full of nitty gritty irritations not surfaced but covered. THen, I read your post on your blog, I felt tears and a deep gratitude of the moments we shared, the dreams we weaved and still hold, and I want to tell you whatever wishes you have for me I have the same ones for you. I am thankful to the earth below, stars above, to the wishing tree that you found me and I found you. Out of all those people in that school, you sat next to me in class that first day and never left your seat right beside mine all these years.

I don't think I have the words to describe the thankfulness and the comfort. It is more than a hug, more than laughters, more than songs sung, jokes shared, quarrels forgotten, time passing, growing up but never leaving really.It is more than all those, maybe it is a composite of all these, but it is also more, it is the silence, the unspoken wishes for each other's happiness, and the selfless bonds we share as friends. It is opening up to you when the world around is trying to close up, it is not being afraid to say the things I say even if they may sometimes be misunderstood, it is a deep trust that whichever corner of the world we end up on, someone is there, silent, thinking of you, wishing you the very best the world can give. And it is my strength.

I know these words will never say enough. But Thank you dear girl. Thank you.

By: Nippy | Sunday, May 04, 2008 at 11:53 AM | |